Things change up a bit now. The follow writing piece will be submitted to the site in 3.12, and then randomly distributed to (X) people to review for part 3.13! In 3.13 I will then also receive (X) number of pieces to review myself, which I shall cover in the next post. Exciting!
Anyhoo lets get on with the writing part...
There is no specific target to meet here. Just start writing and see where it takes you. Try to write at least 200 words, up to a maximum of 350 words.
There is no specific target to meet here. Just start writing and see where it takes you. Try to write at least 200 words, up to a maximum of 350 words.
"...Happy Birthday, dear William.
Happy Birthday tooooo... yooooouuu."
William wasn't sure if the clapping and cheering that accompanied the end of the song was for him, or out of relief that Great Uncle George had stopped singing. He giggled to himself at the thought, bringing soft wrinkles around his nose and the corners of his mouth and also revealing twin rows of small white teeth. 9 years old! Practically a man grown!
Idly he rubbed a hand across his cheek for the twentieth time that day. He could have sworn he'd felt a hair there this morning. He'd definitely have to talk to Pa about starting shaving.
His family were all stood circled around the big kitchen table. William was seated at the head with his brother on one side. They all smiled down at him, probably taking his grinning face for excitement at the festivities and having no idea that he was actually contemplating such manly concerns as singing etiquette and facial grooming. Before him sat a giant fruit and bran cake decorated with nine candles. He'd hoped for one of the big iced cakes from the city, but he knew they were expensive. His brother had one earlier in the year, but then Jon had turned ten then. Perhaps next year.
Mother was lighting the candles, deftly moving a small burning twig from the stove over them until they were all lit. Each one flared up brightly, adding a golden light to the flickering red glow from the fireplace.
"Don't be forgetting a wish now!" His Pa warned as William stood up and prepared to blow them out.
"A wish?" William thought to himself. It'd been a tradition every year, but until now he'd always brushed it off with childish things like a new tree house, to find a gold mark whilst out helping Pa with the plough, or to be able to make skyfire like the magicians. Suddenly it seemed much more serious. What would a grown man wish for?
~
Not sure where this one is going, or if indeed it is going anywhere. But there is scope so we'll see. I'm quite liking the idea of a young protagonist - also quite fun to try to get in his head and see things from his point of view.
Next part will likely be split then. In the first part I shall go through at least one, of the three reviews I'll do for others. In part b I'll post the reviews I get on this piece and discuss them.
Bring on the reviews!
Happy Writing :-)
There is a Futurelearn course, which talks about theory of mind (TOM). It where you get into the mind of the character and empathise with them, in effect reading their mind. I think that you have managed to get into the mind of a nine year old. I like the start a birthday party; a transition. The scene is set, it's colourful. This story can go anywhere, it is an interesting way into the story that is about to unfold.
ReplyDeleteThis is funny and moving and I found myself smiling quite unconsciously by the end of it. I love the serious thoughtfulness at the end. So gently and sympathetically written. Well done David. I hope this is a book, or becomes a book. I'd really like to read it.
ReplyDeleteIsla
I agree we got a good sense of his mind. Every now and again a word like 'accompanied' jarred it a little for me, pulling me out of the sense of being in a nine-year-old's mind. But I could see the scene beautifully and was eager to find out what he decided! :)
ReplyDeleteSophie
I liked the way in which you hinted that William was being treated less favourably than his brother and his optimistic rationalisation of it. I would guess that the scene is turn-of-the century American mid-west, but there is little to go on. Overall, a nice sensitive portrayal of a pre-pubescent boy at his birthday party, with a lot of scope for development in many directions.
ReplyDelete