Turn on the radio and take note of the first thing that is mentioned. Use it as the basis for a story of no more than 500 words. Imagine a character, someone who is central to what the story is about.
I turned on the radio to a weather report! Hmmm.
I'm putting the 'elegant geek' character from last week into the story, trying to get into his head with the point of view. And... yes I recently watched Rise of the Guardians. Haha. I will take inspiration wherever it comes from!
~
A shock of cold suddenly hits my nose and memories of childhood flood through me. My mother's advice to 'wrap up or Jack Frost will nip me'. An involuntary smile spreads my lips at the memory, the cold briefly ignored, and I find myself calling out to the wind.
"That you Jack? Bit early this year aren't you?"
I chuckle to myself for talking outloud to my childhood hero. At 19 I should have grown out of it and despite no one else in sight a twinge of embarrassment coats my laugh. As a child I had chatted at length to him, imagining grand adventures and games whenever a shiver of cold came around. It didn't matter to me that I never saw him. A young boy's harmless fantasies.
The cold wind vanishes as suddenly as it arrived and with another soft laugh I imagine myself waving a cheerful goodbye. I feel giddy as a boy again. I kick out at a pile of nearby leaves and spin in the cloud of them as they fall. It's a swirling whirlwind of snow and I'm being swept up and carried hundred of miles.
The actual wind returns, and despite my current juvenility I'm aware enough to notice it blowing in the opposite direction. It literally had returned, rather than continued. I stop and swivel my head, confusion smeared across my face. I still feel odd, and with child-like logic the only conclusion I can come to is that the wind (or something in it) had heard my call out and returned to answer.
"... Jack?" I whisper. "Jack Frost?"
Another memory from childhood. This time from my father. "You have to believe. You can't see them if you don't believe."
Do I believe? At this precise moment I just don't know. Some part of me, the part of me kicking up leaves just a moment before, was shouting 'Yes, yes, yes', but the near-adult part just scoffed in derision.
"Jack if it is you, I want to believe... I really do! But it's hard. I'm too old. Help me." The words spill out without thought.
Instantly I'm surrounded by swirling snow and then nothing. Belief blossoms in me like a spring orchard, and a cast about frantically. There! The shock of white hair on such a youthful face should appear odd, but it doesn't. Floating a few feet above the ground and with a hopeful grin he stares at me.
My confusion melts and a incredulous smile appears in its place.
"Jack if it is you, I want to believe... I really do! But it's hard. I'm too old. Help me." The words spill out without thought.
Instantly I'm surrounded by swirling snow and then nothing. Belief blossoms in me like a spring orchard, and a cast about frantically. There! The shock of white hair on such a youthful face should appear odd, but it doesn't. Floating a few feet above the ground and with a hopeful grin he stares at me.
My confusion melts and a incredulous smile appears in its place.
"I see you!"
~
Technically that is the end of Week 2 now. A good week! There are a few exercises in the middle I missed out and may come back to. Might also look at someone else's story too.
Until then...
Now come-on! A bit of common pedantry here. Your character did not 'wish for my thicker coat at home' he wished for it here! He wished it were here not at home. But he certainly did not wish for it at home - either this would mean he was suddenly transported back home and wished for the coat before returning, or he wished that his thicker coat were at home, which would be strange after the weather description.
ReplyDeleteNit picking? Yup.
Leaves cling - a bit cliché?
Full stop and shorter sentence: Any warmth is forgotten. That would reflect the temperature drop and the chill better.
A shock of cold suddenly hits my nose - you need to make this hit home more - I gasped as… not sure, but some word that does the hitting for you without needing to spell out that the cold hit your nose: i.e. show not tell. Should the mother's advice have 'you' rather than 'me' if it were addressed to him? Or was the mother's advice to herself?
a twinge of embarrassment coats my laugh - I really like the use of coat here.
chatted at length to him, chatted to him at length sounds better to me in front of the following clause.
'A young boy's harmless fantasies' sounds unnatural talking of oneself.
'Harmless fantasies? I was young.' perhaps?
The cold wind vanishes as suddenly as it arrived
As swiftly as it arose, the wind was gone. With...?
The years fall away. I am giddy.
despite my current juvenility I do not like - it is too grown up for a juvenile. Though I felt a child I'm aware of
enough is unnecessary
It literally had returned as opposed to metaphorically (pedant marker out again :-)) in fact I don't think that whole sentence contributes at all. You have already told us the wind has returned.
my call out do you mean me call out? or my call. my question?
At this precise moment I just don't know. I'd shorten this to I don't know. Since you are describing the moment you don't need to name it.
and a cast about frantically. ? typo?
Floating a few feet above the ground and with a hopeful grin he stares at me. I'd shorten to Floating just above the ground, grinning, staring at me.
a incredulous smile appears in its place. an incredulous, but I'd lose the incredulous and just say a smile slowly split my face. Let your reader do some of the legwork otherwise they feel condescended to and not allowed to exercise their imagination, which makes them less instead of more involved.
It is amazing how much easier it is to do this sort of deconstruction on someone else's writing than on one's own, which reminds me I promised a fellow writer a deconstruction which will take a good few hours tonight, in return for one she did for me. Oh, the joys of needing little sleep!
G
Excellent comment. Thank you. The start of week 3 has us reviewing this piece quite a lot and it is going to be a whole lot more productive now I have some solid points to look at.
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